Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
