Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
