I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there's paper in my vomit.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
