I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
