I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
