your parents love me but you hate me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize