Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
