Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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