I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
