You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
