M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
