I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
