Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
as a side note pls kill me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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