I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I forget how to act sober
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
