How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
