sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
