you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
