I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
