His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
