i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Sex in the backyard? Check.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
