i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
