If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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