If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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