You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
