A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
