my mouth tastes like poor choices
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
