Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
