Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Help. Why am I so naked?
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