Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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