I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
