ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Randomize
