Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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