your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
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