you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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