im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
