Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
