Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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