You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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