Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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