All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
