On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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