i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Randomize
