i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
