So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
