She is in my trunk
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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