i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
