Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
