Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
