I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
