Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
