Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We need a shit load of segways right now
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
