the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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