Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
