my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
