I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize