Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
