I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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