Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
