we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
