My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
