my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
