He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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